News Flash: Thank you gets its own festival!

Disclaimer: This article is a satirical article with inaccurate and unfounded information. Recreation of content to write your SAT or UPSC should be done at your own risk.

Etymology of the word thank you is no longer uncertain, thanks to Kanadians, the most cordial race on planet Earth.  To honor this discovery the festival of thanksgiving is celebrated all over Kaanadaa. A special day for expressing heartfelt thank you, in addition to the ones said everyday, like when you open a door for someone or hold a stinky fart which you were about to release in the immediate vicinity of a Kanadian. Meanwhile, sorry, excuse me and pardon me are reported to have taken to the streets calling themselves minority and demanding a festival for each. 

*General category student empathizing with sorry, excuse me and pardon me*

According to research, babies born on thanksgiving are reported to speak Thank You as their first word ten out of ten times to truly embrace the spirit of this festival. 

(But none of these babies were Indians)

What?!

In this year’s thanksgiving, plethora of Thank you were showered all over Kaanadaa, especially in University of Pttawa. Hearts were swept away by the deluge. One of the victims in this deluge was the student of University of Pttawa, Simon Tail. Simon had generously lent this brand new laptop on the day before thanksgiving to his near and dear friend Thomas Williams to complete their group project. He excitedly started working on Simon’s laptop until midnight. Post midnight, a sleep deprived Thomas could hardly resist from yawning repeatedly. Circumstances forced Thomas to buy French Vanilla from a nearby Tim Jortons and the same circumstances forced him to spill that french vanilla lest the laptop starts yawning. Thus, a completely damaged laptop was returned to Simon.  Tragedy struck in the gravest form when Simon realized that the damaged laptop is being returned to him on the day of thanksgiving. Rescue team had to be sent to Simon’s place to contain the jamboree at his place from getting any more thankful.

I'm here!

Despite the rescue team reaching in time, bound by tradition Simon uttered a feeble thank you, as an act of extreme outrage under the given circumstances (After all its thanksgiving.) 

*utters a feeble thank you*

In another major upsurge of motion, the Amrikkan thanksgiving turkey at the Stewart family’s sumptuous thanksgiving dinner, threw a fit at the dining table on discovering two Mexikkan turkeys on the same table as itself. Thankfully the matter was quickly resolved by three famished Amrikkans who feasted over all turkeys without discrimination. #SpiritOfThanksgivingRestored

Joey doesn't share food!

International students at University of Pttawa were seen enjoying thanksgiving. A few MBA students were in raptures on seeing the jaw dropping prices of Winter jackets at the thanksgiving sale at Nordtorm. Mohan Vyas, a Financial Engineering student was delighted to buy a 10,000 CAD Winter Jacket for just 9999 CAD in this once in a blue moon sale. Another student Sarah Jones was finally confident that she could face Winter after she bought all items on sale at the store. It would also be worthy to note that Sarah went broke post this thanksgiving sale, thanks to her Winter shopping.

All in all, this year’s thanksgiving saw a rise in the number of thank you being doled out. Scientists fear a thank you explosion, especially in the small city of Pttawa at this rate. Research is going on to find a way to prevent this thank you explosion. Good news is all readers of Oh Blimey will be posted with the latest updates on this research. Meanwhile, the district police contacts Shaktimaan who had attended the tulip festival to arrange for help.

Shaktimaan arrives , Shaktimaan secures the place, Shaktimaan leaves.

Yes!!! Readers to note that we are now officially ready to face the thank you explosion.

Thank You Shaktimaan!!!!!

Please note all gifs or pictures were taken from google. Thank you to the following sites for the gifs
1. https://forums.soompi.com/en/topic/382268-official-song-songkikyo-couple-%E2%98%85-song-joong-ki-%E2%99%A1-song-hye-kyo/?page=413
2. https://imgur.com/gallery/9CMRK
3. http://amp.uk.complex.com/pop-culture/2015/03/ugandan-action-movies-gifs
4. https://medium.com/@abhishek.bej/even-being-a-90s-indian-kid-i-didnt-watch-shaktimaan-a8190e8a4720
5. http://weheartit.com/entry/74650769
6. https://giphy.com/gifs/shocked-what-tv-friends-V5lM6OffQXOgg
7. https://www.google.ca/search?q=thanksgiving+dinner+eating+gifs&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjC4uypvfbWAhUo4oMKHURuBHYQsAQIJw&biw=1266&bih=523#imgrc=F7t6ftLdAaC_uM:

The mother of all Kasams - Sanam teri Kasam

Sanam teri kasam, because as Kanan Gill states, the GOLDEN RULE of swearing is, higher the stakes more the credibility. 

(Please note: Due credit has been given beforehand to avoid any controversy of stealing punchlines; and also to catch your attention Kanan!)

Returning to our topic at hand, the movie stars some brilliant actors who will mesmerize you with their acting prowess. It begins with dapper Indar winning the first case of his life. By the way no prizes to guess he is a lawyer. Indar returns HOME after his first victory, (Do not be a middle class now. When I say HOME please imagine a colossal palace with a beautiful lush green backyward.) 

In this era of encroachment wherever did he live !!!!

and fondly stares at a tree in his backyward on whose trunk are inscribed the words, Saraswati Parhar.

 So far picturesque

(Please note: In so far so good, ‘so good’ was purposefully avoided and replaced with picturesque to demonstrate emphasis on what may keep you hooked on to the movie. The scenery at the beginning and the actor(hopefully))

The movie is a flashback. Back in his hey days our hero was a classic debauched young man who romanced women in the most unholy way possible. To add to his colourful resume, he served a sentence in prison for allegedly murdering his uncle. Son of a top notch criminal lawyer but currently voluntarily abandoned, rich as f**k our hero is the walking personification of “undercover good guy” (He took the blame on himself to save his mother who killed the uncle in an act of self defense). But for all that matters Indar, our hero, is tall, dark and handsome. Whatever expressions he lacked on his face he  made up for them on his physique! (Darn! Abs are distracting) Basically he has a good guy face with the bad guy body.

Abs are distracting!!! 

But behind all this physical glory, is a troubled past that our hero is battling, ALL ALONE!!!! So lonely he is that he is yearning for love and care. 

AAAaaaWWwwwwwww...

Now on the other side we have our female protagonist, Saraswati Parhar, a sanskaari damsel in distress. Even a magnet doesn’t attract as much iron as she attracts troubled waters. Always chasing some outdated principles and ending up with Mr. Handsome. (Makes note to inculcate a few principles myself)  Winsome like hail she would melt right through your cold hearted judgemental mind which has already (deliberate exaggeration)  started  perceiving her with a long braid, nerd glasses, bindi, untamed eyebrows, innocent eyes with an adorable smile. (This look was obtained after a lot of efforts under special guidance of experts. Viewers are requested to not fall for this unrealistic girl next door look by attempting to replicate the look unless you want to look homeless and scare off all people alike.)

Cuteness overload!!! 

Saraswati and Indar are neighbours. The first time our protagonists cross paths, Mr. Handsome is sniffing at his girlfriend (which I guess was an attempt at depicting an after make out scene) and Ms. Thumbelina is gearing up to go for work together with her father. Mr. Handsome falls for her the moment he sees her and Princess doesnt even notice him (actually she was timidly following her father into the elevator. Not her fault.) 

As the occasion of thumbelina's sister's marriage nears a series of problems unfold in thumbelina's life. First she is given an ultimatum of one month to get married off because she is the elder sister.(because that is the logical thing to do when you have an unmarried elder sister!) Then she is charged of being unchaste because she was spotted with Mr. Handsome on more than one occasions, late in the night, ignoring the fact that Mr.Handsome was brutally hurt and she was simply nursing him because the injuries were partly her fault. Then she gets disowned by her parents with a simple "meri beti maar gayi" because after triple talak that is the seond most easiest way of disowning relations.  But all this while guess who stood by her side like a rock ?! Mr. Handsome indeed. 

SSSIiiiighhsss

However cruel life was to her, one good thing was Thumbelina struck gold literally and figuratively when it came to having a guy friend. He was not only hot and rich but also could give makeovers that would put fairy godmother to shame !!!! So after one such makeover they return home in the hopes of finding an IIT- IIM suitor for Ms.Thmbelina as this was the only way she could seek forgiveness from her uptight father.

Recipe for Forgiveness:
Step 1- Make an unchaste mistake
Step 2- Marry an IIT IIM Brahmin religiously sound guy
Step 3- You are forgiven

Forgive he did not, at least not yet, the father leaves no stone unturned in killing his daughter metaphorically by conducting her furneral. Now that any attempts at making peace with Papa were ruined, why waste the makeover. She leaves for office with Mr.Handsome consoling her. (I would kill for him. Seriously!!!)

Thumbelina who is a librarian has a crush on her boss. Unrequited love but only until her makeover. Her makeover results in her boss , who is an IIT-IIM alumnus, liking her back. (Please Note: Not just as a friend) They plan to marry. Dont be relieved, didn’t i tell u she is a magnet for all troubles. Her boss jilts her at the altar. She anyway leaves for her honeymoon suite with Mr. Handsome(obviously). She completely breaks down at the suite, weeping like a baby while Mr. Handsome consoles her as he always has since day 1.

Love is blind. But so dumb ?

In case you are already wondering, Yes! Yes they do like each other but for whatever reason they both think they are not suitable for each other.

Anyway while in the suite, seeing her distressed and drowned in sorrow he “acquiesces” to her request of making love to her. (Friends with benefits ;)) Such a dude! But this sanskaari Thumbelina forsakes him the very next day. Absolutely no appreciation for kindness right? Well no.
So now when problems could not get any worse for her, she discovers that she has brain tumor from her ex fiance! 
The movie captures what the holy Geeta evidently missed, bhagwaan says tathsathu to every curse or blessing parents give. Now that explains the brain tumor.(Remember the funeral rites carried out by her father.) 

Now when the ex fiance meets her(to inform  her about the tumor) Mr. handsome sees them. She texts him goodbye (because educating him about this would unnecessarily save time.) and Mr. Handsome does the maths (because misunderstandings dont take time to fester in this movie right from the start.) She would be dying soon but unlike any sane person she decides to spend whatever little time she has away from her beloved ones while Mr. handsome decides to labour under a huge misunderstanding until he has wasted enough time. Meanwhile thumbelina runs off to a monastery in some faraway place. 

But wait our hero who is no less than the legendary Sherlock Holmes. He breaks all the shackles of misunderstanding and what not. He finds her but after some action packed parkour stunts performed while fleeing from the police station. Despite of this, the kind hearted policeman forgives him because our hero wishes to do the noble task of proposing the girl he loves. Finally they are happily married. 

I'll leave the part where you want to know if she succumbed to the tumor or not, for you to discover. 

Now who would not want to watch such a movie!!!! 

......and I killed the teacher....

They badgered him but he wouldnt yield. They used every uncivilized way to get him talking but he was as tight-lipped as ever. Confounded, the proctor released him. Usman heaved a sigh of relief upon being released from the atrocious captivity of the proctor.

But the University was not going to let this case rest here. They were determined to catch the murderer. Unfortunately, it appeared that their only eye witness, Usman, was sold at the hands of the wily perpetrator.

But even the University housed talented people. They knew how to crack a hard nut. They hatched a plan. 

The proctor sneaked into Usman's house on the very night he was released. It was almost three hours since Usman had arrived home. The cross-questioning had enervated him,  so much that he fell asleep the moment his head contacted with the bed. The sight of Usman asleep was relieving in a way. There was no better chance than this to catch Usman off guard. The proctor worked his magic. And with just a little prodding the truth was out.

The proctor quoted him verbatim, “I had written the poem. She loved my poems. But this time the topic was different. She read the poem and simply stared at me. I was eagerly awaiting her response. With slightly slouched shoulders, furrowed eyebrows and curious eyes she whispered “do me a favour but don’t disclose it.......

She never discussed her life with anyone. But she definitely had a past. Her bruised past was visible on her face, her hands and more so, in her eyes. Her life was definitely not a cake walk.

She was quietly weeping. Though perplexed with her response, I tried to console her. She looked at me and asked me to sit. It was a long time since she had talked to someone so openly. She poured her heart out. Relieved by the end to have confided in someone. My poem on euthanasia had got to her. It almost inspired her.

With pleading eyes she requested me to relieve her of the intractable suffering. Her disabled body could hardly move. Her loved ones had long abandoned her. I was her only contact with the outside world, other than the doctors who made occasional visits. I was the only one to whom she could make such a daring request. I obliged her. She didnt deserve such misery, such agony..... I killed my teacher....." 

The proctor reported how Usman sobbed profusely as he ended even if asleep. The University and the police authority were dumbfounded by his narrative. It was a catch-22. He was simply honoring his teacher's request and yet he was guilty.    

Kapoor and sons!!! Because surname comes first

I was a very jolly person till 7.20 pm then i watched Kapoor and Sons.

 So emotional i tell you 

The story begins with an old man played by Rishi Kapoor who practices dying everyday. 

That is exactly how he envisions himself die 

Rishi kapoor aka dadu's attempts at dying finally fruition when he gets a heart-attack.

My satan sense is tingling

But he survives it.

Yay!!

The heart-attack heralds a series of melodramatic events starting with meri aakhri khwaish which for some reason gets to everyone especially as it comes from an aged 90 year old guy.

But its my last wish

Moral of the story, the older you are the more important are your final wishes. 

But when he says

 Meri aakhri khwaish hai ki mujhe mere pariwaar ke saath ek family photo chahiye

That one sentence just burst open my lachrymal glands.

Such an adorable 90 year old making his final wish

Dadu also adds comedy to this comedy drama with his winsome comments on adult content films and fanatic obsession with mandakini for her role in ram teri ganga meli especially in the waterfall scene.

10/10 for your dialogue delivery

We also have Ratna pathak  who is impeccable in the role of a stereotypical housewife. She has two kids. She is fond of both of them until she finds out that she is not.

What the fuck!!! 

Fawad khan plays the role of an accomplished writer. He was her perfect elder son until he reached adolescence. The world suddenly comes crashing down when ratna pathak aka sunita discovers that fawad khan aka rahul has a boyfriend and not a girlfriend.

Chan se jo tute koi sapna, jag suna suna lage jag suna suna lage. koi lage na jab apna .....

Personally i thought he was hotness personified.

Aise na mujhe tum dekho, seene se laga lunga......

Siddharth  malhotra aka Arjun kapoor plays the character of the younger brother. Typical as it may sound but he dabbles in writing, photography, drops out of college and ends up working for a website which he quits to be a part time bartender.

In short he is the .....

Hell no!!! The the motto here is, variety is the spice of life. YOLO people!!!!!

Enlightenment strikes!!!

Of course you will know the real reason of ‘trying out different things’once you watch the film. Don’t be surprised if you find out that it was to make his mother feel proud of him who unknowingly patronized him by praising his elder brother.

 I am telling you catching don would have still been much easier.
#IndianParents #Expectations #HighExpectations and in case of siddarth malhotra aka Arjun Kapoor #VeryHighExpectations

Siddharth Malhotra tries to give a tough competition to imran khan. Movie proves that imran khan is hands down a winner.

With jokes like thank you for coming and characters like boobli the film scores its way on the comedy charts. And how do i miss alia bhat aka tia malik!!!  She is the Queen of jokes. She portrays the character of that unique Indian girl who cracks funny jokes and is simply more humorous than Russel Peter himself.

Believe me if the jokes don’t tickle your funny bone i will assure you they will definitely get on your nerves after the first 5 mins.
Tia malik has quite a touching backstory. But even that doesn’t help mend the fact that she kissed Rahul way before she realized she was in love with Arjun. 

I didn't know this was your brother. 

Basically fuck logic. 

So in a nutshell, kapoor and sons is a family drama having bits and parts of dostana, saathiya, baghbaan  and an element of kya superkool hai hum. Its a one time watch. Commendable efforts by the actors. Interesting script by the writers. The film exploits all the weak points of a typical Indian audience like the death of one of  your parents, your girl friend liking your brother, financial crisis, the herculean task of getting a family photo done and how could i miss this one, extra marital affair!!! 

So if you have awesome friends who have a great sense of humor then please go and watch this film else go at your own risk. 

Thank you for reading. 

Going by the stereotypes, Girls are unfathomable !!!!

A.P.J Abdul Kalam was once asked why he never married. He replied, "I find rocket science much easier."

One doesn’t simply know what a girl wants without failing at it at least 

once? 

twice? 

thrice? 

......

Always

 So i have seen this one thing about girls they don’t have a set pattern. I mean even natural disasters are predictable and more organized that way.

 Before i begin let me tell you we girls are very rational thinkers. We have secretly thought of solutions to all the world problems. Other than that we have thought of all the witty replies we would make to impress people. We even have our dialogues sorted when romancing a guy, including the guys part. Which hence happens to be one of the reasons why guys have a hard time pleasing us. They often dont follow the script.

   A study found the average man is left confused around six times a week by his female partner. And while many find the differences "endearing", almost 60 per cent of men admitted their befuddlement has led to arguments.

And that is exactly where you get everything wrong. This is that part in the script where u go, " omg she is so intriguing, so unlike me!!! i cannot possibly understand her which is exactly why i am attracted to her " and there you have got us.

Haven’t u heard of opposites attract already!!!
It's kind of abrupt but let me put a disclaimer before i go any further:

DISCLAIMER:

This is a not so thoroughly researched and hence very general but 99% true in most cases article. Of course there are exceptions. Resemblance to any person living or dead is not so purely co incidental. 

In the spirit of the article," jo mein sochti hoon woh mein nahi karti hoon, par jo mein karti hoon woh mein soch samja kar karti hoon ."

A girl does what a girl does because 

I am superwoman 

Girls are cute, nice and emotional. But our niceness only goes so far. We tend to have very less tolerance towards rude mean and nasty people. But we aint losing our cool. We will still be nice.

 Cats, pandas, puppies make us go awww. We hate violence until a fellow Venusian ( men are from mars women are from Venus right? ) trespasses our territory with an intention to cause damage. 

You shopped with rachel without me?!  

Things escalate quite quickly from there

Moral of the story: we are very possessive of our 'besties'

We take the concept of chaddi buddies to a whole new level. I mean whoever goes to the washroom alone ?! They are called chaddi buddies for a reason, right ? And who knows if the road to the washroom is fraught with unseen dangers.  Exploring the uncharted rain forests of Amazon is still much safer.

We excel at deep thinking. Like always

Girls can have the most antithetical views on stuff. They want gender equality without having to sacrifice chivalry. Chivalry is always appreciated. But of course its mostly because of the scientific logic behind it like everything else and not any personal reasons.

Like why girls are better than guys. Why girls are smarter than  guys, why girls are more beautiful than guys, why girls are more girls than guys. Just everything.

Honestly speaking, girls cannot do everything that guys can do and neither are we supposed to. But we take immense pleasure in proving otherwise.
For us discussion is basically nothing but a process of proving how the decision we have made is right in a more official sense. 

Which evidently is not always welcomed

They say that guys find girls who blabber very attractive. Well you guys , understand one thing, we take that shit seriously. I mean dont come complaining that we don't allow you to talk after you have made such statements. 

  Men often complain that we cant stick to one topic. Monotony bores us, in our lives as well in others. We generally do take quite a bit of interest in other ppls lives. i mean afterall who doesn't love gossiping ?! Research says even guys like gossiping so don't even say anything 

But one thing is there, come what may women don’t get swayed by public opinion,

They just sometimes get confused. Utterly confused...

Like while shopping. Need i say more? 

Girls love guys. At least most do. And if there is one thing that every girl wants in her guy then its the appreciation of her natural beauty. 

which by the way includes the eye liner, bb cream and the lip gloss.

 FYI : that isn’t make up

There are quite a lot of stereotypes about girls. Some not so flattering. But they kind of make them all the more fun i guess.
P.S: Secretly even we girls love stereotypes. Its partly the reason why we watch rom coms.